Week 21: Step Nine | Making Amends

Step 9: 

“Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others”. 

Go Out and Make the Approach! 

Adopt an attitude of being calm, frank and open. Hand in hand with God, begin knocking on doors and making phone calls to set up appointments so you can make your face to face amends.  Try to make as many as possible. Each one will buoy you to the next. It is an exciting and liberating process. 

Order of amends:

Do all face to face, willing amends first followed by any amends you’re willing to make through phone calls, then willing amends through letter writing. Once those are complete, begin to pray for those amends your are unwilling to make face to face, followed by those you are unwilling to make by telephone, and finally pray for those you are unwilling to make by letter writing. 

Continue to pray and meditate over the amends you are unwilling to make until you are willing. Remember, you agreed back in the third step and again in the fourth step to go to any lengths for victory over your compulsive eating addiction. 

Remember the Big Book tells us we may not recover if we do not take this vital step of making EVERY amends to best of our ability. You do not need to do amends perfectly in order to receive the promises. You just need to do them with a humble and willing heart. We bring the willingness, God does the rest. 

We knock on the door + we make the phone call and we present ourselves hand-in-hand with God before those we feared or resented. God gives us the courage, the right words and actions, he protects us and guides us. 

We are on new footing now, standing tall upon new ground. As God’s children we need not shrink before anyone. He’s got our back. Remember the new relationship you have painstakingly built with your creator these last 20 weeks: one where God is big and powerful enough to be father, director and principal of your new life. Ask yourself how free do you want to be?

A simple apology is not what we are after. An apology is not the same as an amends. Step 9 is about making right what you have wronged and cleaning up the debris regardless of how much another may have hurt you. We clean house, holding nothing back. 

 

Your amends meeting should contain the following:

1. Say: This is why I'm here, to clean up the past and any harm I caused you. 
2. Say: These are the harms I'm clear on...this is what I said/did that I believe caused harm/ regret/ feel remorseful about...
3. Ask: Is there any other harm I have left out that you would like to tell me about?
4. Ask: Would you like to tell me how any of this hurt you, personally or your family/company? 
5. Ask: Is there anything I can do set right these wrongs? 

Note: If the amend is financial, arrange the best payments you can. Remember you're not giving up your money, time or truth...you;re giving back what is rightfully theirs,  what you stole or omitted the first time around. 

 

——

 

A few Dos and Don’ts Suggestions 

 

DO

1. Pray the 3rd step prayer and/or the 7th step prayer and meditate in the moments before making amends.

2. Remember why am doing this: I am willing to go to any length for victory over my food addiction and compulsive over eating. I want to be rid of this affliction that may have plagued me for a lifetime. I want to experience the miracle of six and seven when I take steps eight and nine. 

3. Be sensitive, tactful, considerate and humble without being meek, servile, graveling or scraping. As gods people we stand on our feet as spiritual equals to all, we don’t crawl before anyone. 

4. Use neutral phrases like “I understand what you are saying", "I see I have hurt you", "what can I do to make this right?”

5. Use active listening phrases such as “I see” or “Really?” or “oh?, tell me more about that”.
6. Close your mouth and open your ears. Maintain eye contact, do not interrupt the person talking to you. It is often helpful to quietly nod in acknowledgment as they are sharing their experience with you, even if you don’t agree with what they are saying. 
7. Open your heart and mind for a new experience. Acknowledging someones experience does not mean agreeing with them. But it shows the dignity and respect they deserve. 
8. Whatever their words, express plainly your remorse and regret towards the harm you’ve caused them in response. Avoid explaining your side. God knows your whole story. This person doesn’t need to.  What this person needs is for you to approach them with an entire deportment based on patience, tolerance, kindliness and love.  

 

DON’Ts

 

1. Do not make excuses or say that you didn’t intend to harm them. Intent is not important in amends; this isn’t about you. Your humble expression of remorse and regret, with a sincere willingness to set right any wrongs is what matters here. Don’t ask for forgiveness or anything else. This is a time of giving freely- not a time of asking for something for yourself.

2. Do not - under any circumstances - criticize or argue with the person in reaction to what they say. This is not about YOU being right.  Remember inventory tells us that often times we have conflict with other people who are sick like me. Amends is about cleaning up debris caused by the harms you inflicted on others. It is not uncommon for you to have a different perspective than the person you are making amends with. That’s neither here nor there.  You hold no opinion on that, as it is an outside matter where only your amends are concerned. 

3. Do not make the amends about your own story or perspective. Do not get caught up in explaining. Remember, similar to column 4 resentment Inventory in which we set aside the other person entirely, (since this is my inventory not theirs) when we make amends we set aside others beaviors towards us entirely...this is my amends to him or her...I should have no expectation that the other person will see things from my perspective, want to apologize for harms towards me, or anything else. Expectations are premeditated resentments. Best to leave them outside. If I’ve done a proper resentment inventory, I know that this person may be sick like me, but it’s ME who is saying the prayer for God to save me from being angry. It is ME who is seeking God’s will (not mine) be done. It is ME who is asking God for me to be of service to the man or woman that sits across from me.  God knows the whole story, I’m just there to clean up my own wreckage and debris. Remember frankness, as well as loving kindliness is the deportment I strive to embody. 

—-

 

Extra Snippet! 

Listen to the last few minutes of the recording shown here, after the five minute meditation closing. I explain some more particulars about how you might wish to depart, end or leave the amends meeting. Some food addicts have said leaving the amends when finished has been the most awkward part, here I have some suggestions of how to keep it simple. 

——-

 

Next Week: Step 10+11

• Read in AA Big Book, pages 84 & 85, step 10.

• Transcribe BBA Workbook Considerations pages 86 – 88 into your AA Big Book